So in the last couple of weeks i've: eased up about school, gotten closer with a few friends, broken away from a few friends, bought 8 books and turned 17. All of which have been brilliant to say the least.

However, right at this very moment of 10:02 PM March 8th, i'm completely stressed and annoyed and just UGH. I wish this stupid Ancient assignment would go away and i wish the faces of those few annoying people in my life, would just disintegrate behind my eyes. I wish school would be over already and i wish my future was already in full swing. I just feel stuck in monotony.

It's sort of scary how you once saw someone as an inspiration, a source of talent and brilliance and now all you want is for them to take a good hard look at themselves and get back to you when they've finally grown the fuck up. It seems like everyone around me plays the victim card (of course this is hypocritical. because who doesn't play this card once in a while? i've definiately fallen into the 'boohoo i'm a victim' trap and it can be seen on my previous entries) and it's honestly the biggest cop out. I've fucked up. I've opened my stupid mouth when i shouldn't have and i take full responsibility. I know i've said bullshit that is entirely untrue/unjustified/unfair and i'm totally willing to take the blame for these situations. However, some people i know just don't seem to realise that HEY, YOU FUCKED UP A LITTLE OK. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT AND MOVE ON.

common conversation,
it took everything i've got

what a week! busy but completely awesome.

school has been going quite well for once. i'm on good terms with everyone, my grades are looking nice and i finally got the guts to drop japanese. i love japanese so much but it was my weakest subject and marks sort of count this year.

i'm really loving everything at the moment, especially:







lolin on a river

what defines a friend?
more importantly, what defines a good friend?
i've been constantly asking myself these questions for 5 years. my good friend checklist comprises of:
-loyalty. the basics, you know, sticking up for you when you're being splashed with venomous words or even when your ego is being tarnished.
-honesty. once again the basics. the ability to be honest with me about everything. am i being shitty with you? please, TELL ME. do i smell bad? for the love of God, tell me! am i being a selifish cow? TELL ME. is my humour offensive? T E L L M E. keeping your word is a must.
-courage. in any sense. courage to be yourself, to stand up for what you believe in, to take responsibility.

i try wholeheartedly to stick by my own values. leading by example. i feel like these categories are quite broad but why the hell can i not find these sort of people?

recent events (and even not so recent events) have left me reevaluating my whole friendship circle. but when is it okay to say 'i don't want you as a friend anymore'? when is it okay to throw in the towel? when is it okay to say i'm sick of your mistakes?


a couple of friends in particular have definitely failed the big 'friendship tests'. one in particular has left me wondering, why the hell did i bother? i'm not trying to sound like i played the victim's hand or that i've been treated o so terribly. i had great times with this person but i've been questioning for years whether this person was not just a friend but a good friend. and i've realised. you are not a good friend.


you made your mistakes and i forgave you. but i know longer want to be the victim of your mistakes. i know longer want to be in the firing range of your inability to work on a two way street. you've finally given me the situation to say 'enough is enough'.


thank you, though.

i feel like i'm already making positive changes and it's only been about 48 hours since my last blog.

last night i sort of branched out and went to a former friend's party. although, i wasn't as chatty as everyone else, i really felt like i tried to ~leave me comfort zone and socialise with people i wouldn't usually talk with. i'm happy with the experience tbh and i'm glad i did it :3

it's been such a lazy sunday, just trying to get all my music files back onto my itunes. i feel sort of guilty because i'm not studying for my jap assessment >:/ i might just spend a few more minutes basking in the glow of elliott smith's melodies


and all i want now is happiness for you and me

reading back on my other post it really seems one sided. and yeah i get that no-one reads this but for my own sake i better talk less about how i'm right.

i can definiately see my flaws. probably more than anyone (get ready for the atreyu band tee and black swoopy fringe to come out) and i do realise how i come across. i know it seems like i hate everything/everyone but it's not true. i guess i'm more open about what i dislike (but also what i do like. don't get it twisted bc il brand new and you know it ;D). i mean, yeah i don't like sports but i do like music.

my mum says it's a little annoying sometimes, even puts a dampener on the conversation. that really hurts my soul to be honest. i lay awake at night...tears flowing from my hazel eyes... lol seriously though, i do feel a little bad for coming across as such a..judgemental bitch. it's almost hypocritcal the way i closely monitor social obligations when i'm really comitting a crime.

so i guess i can compile a list of weekly aims that i try to acheive. what do you think blog?
Weekly Goals 13-19th of Feb
-try to tone down the amount of h8g8s. not everyone wants to hear how much i dislike britney spears or school
-try not impose my own ideals onto others. i guess this is a real ongoing goal that i've been working on for ages.
-be more open to people's new ideas
-try to be less annoyed at those around me


wish me luck! good luck

sometimes i can't even begin to comprehend the logic of my school or the schooling system in general. but mostly my school. the importance of such petty things is absolutely mindboggling to me.

JUST A FACT: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.
think of it as reassuring.

today we were all briefly told about our school references and how participation in carnivals/school events is a must if you want a good reference. unfortunately my interests do not extend to the sporting or competative realm, so i guess i'm destined for a life of unemployment. lol but seriously, it got me thinking. did i make the right choice? should i have opened up a little during my school years and tried to make more friends/find the confidence to participate enthusiastically? maybe if i joined the group who loved being apart of their environment, it would have rubbed off on me. i'm honestly not sure. i do see the value in participation but what is the boundry between laziness and genuine dislike? i've tried running and jumping but it's not for me. i've tried absailing and rock climbing but it's not for me. i've tried reading books and going to gigs and that is for me. but do we have to do the things we don't like?

i like who i am. however it seems my inability to participate in a SWIMMING CARNIVAL (honestly, who even cares besides those few kids who seem to be a dolphin/ian thorpe hybrid)or organising a dance party has made my teachers short sighted in their perception of me. not to praise myself but (lol) i think i'm a good student, i do my homework, i scribe, i'm willing to help students who need it and i gave blood. i guess i view school events to be petty and unimportant. hopefully this doesn't bite me in the ass though. imagine, someone not wanting to marry me or something because i didn't participate in a swimming event when i was 14. what a world.


it's been a pretty lousy week all up. i'm really aggrivated with my social situation but i finally feel like i've had the incentive to do something about it. no-one calls me a fat slag and gets away with it ;D

i think the reasons my blogs are always unsuccessful is because i'm really uncomfortable with full disclosure. i know for a fact that no-one would read this and anyone who does probably doesn't give a shit. so maybe i'll try to venture out of my comfort zone and emit a spray of word vomit all over the internets.

school has been really fast lately. i don't know why but everything seems to be rushing past. of course i'm excited that it's flying by but i'm still bummed out about my social situation. as much as i appreciate certain people, i just don't feel like we fit in a friendship. so of course the question arises: should i stay around people who i don't feel fulfilled by (for only 8 more months) or do i move along and risk hurting their feelings? such an angsty teenage problem but unlike most teens at least i'm trying to show some compassion. i feel like i'm taking such a spineless route by sticking around but being distant in presence. lol HI, I'M A COWARDLY DOUCHEBAG.

what the hell is the deal with some people, though. we all have personal social boundries but arn't some common knowledge? like
random: 'lol r u nut eating bc u thinx it willz go 2 ur thighs'
me: ....:|
random:CHILLAX


WAT. do i know you? NO. so these personal 'jokes' are just like one giant ball of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. i'm not offended you ass, i'm just shocked at the first words you've ever spoken to me. laff all u want but i will nut join the lolzexpress






omg posting this blog despite my anxiousness at people reading my ramblings ;-;

be calm

if only i could find my people or my place in life

brb

eeep school in about 1.5 weeks, better start sleeping at 9 and relearning how to write my name. the heat has been frying my brain as well as my motivation to move around once in a while. i have done some work (not as much as i wanted) but at least i ~tried~

GOALS FOR THIS YEAR:
-work hard/try my best
-not overplaying my brand new cd's during emo moments
-get rid of ~baggage
-be bffs with vincent accardi
-eat less pineapple

it's true though, i eat alot of pineapple.

you teach people how to treat you

went to a psychic recently and once again it was an interesting experience. sort of hoping the predictions weren't all just a pile of crap because they all seem quite exciting (:

i've pretty much just been studying and watching hell's kitchen at home. ugh i sort of wish i had new friends. preferably these two:

the best part of the muffin...is the top

'hi, i'm tracy jordan. i'm black NBC. very proud, like peacocks. right,janet?'



love this show.

so this is the new year

but i actually feel quite different.

i'm so unbelievably excited for 2010. My final year of high school has not come soon enough and despite the HSC monster, i'm actually not too nervous...i think. It's only a few tests and it doesn't dictate the rest of my life (as i keep telling myself over and over so i don't projectile vomit).

I have some amazing things to look forward too, BRAND NEW AND KEVIN DEVINE! As well as only 8 more months in the place i hate the most. Excited to be getting closer to my goal of living in London and the prospect of new beginnings.




bring it on.